Children say the funniest things

If you put cheese in your ears you won’t hear anything!

You can do anything you ever dreamed of if a stranger grabs you.

A bully has horns and you don’t go into a field when you have red on.

A bully is a daddy cow, they can’t talk, they just say moo and that’s not calling me names.

You don’t take sweets from strangers if they haven’t got wrappers on because the stranger might have ‘sooked’ them first.

You could throw baddies in the canal and the loch ness monster will eat them.

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.

My dad is a teenager, he’s 39.

My granny is really old, she’s 60. Granddad isn’t old though he’s only 59.

Strangers might have sweets that you don’t like, it might even be mints!

I’ve got a pet worm, I ’ve had it since it was little. It’s grown up now so i think i’ll have to release it back into the wild.

Today when I was in dad’s classroom I did a “sperriment”

Don’t take sweets from strangers because they might have gelatine in them, you can get terrible diseases from that.

My brother is the same age as my dog, he’s a girl.

Presenter: “what could you do if someone bullies you?”
Child: “duck!”

Child: “my uncle rob has three sheepdogs.”
Presenter: “that’s nice, does he live in the countryside?”
Child: “no. He lives in a house.”

Child: “you could tell your servant.”
Presenter: “you are very lucky to have a servant, what’s your servant’s name?”
Child: “mum.”

Shouting no won’t frighten the bully into another field!

I’m not safe, strong and free, i’m safe, strong and four!

Child: “my granddad has a gun.”
Presenter: “what does granddad shoot with his gun?”
Child: “bullets!”

I see pictures in my eyes when I ’m asleep.

Child 1: “my dad is very big because he has big muscles.”
Child 2: “my dad’s muscles are so big he can hardly get in the door.”
Child 3: “ mum says my dad’s head is so big he can hardly get in the door.”

To look after your body you have to wipe your bum and pick the nits out of your hair.

Granddad gives slobbery kisses when he hasn’t got his teeth in.

I’ve got a granddad and he lives with a lady called my granny.

Child 1: “in my house me and my sister sleep up stairs and mum and dad sleep downstairs.”
Child 2: “we all sleep up stairs in my house.”
Child 3: “we don’t, we all sleep down the stairs because we don’t have any stairs. Our house is sort of flat.”

Child 1: “if a stranger tried to grab me I would just run at him like this and kung-fu him.”
Presenter: “but you would stay much safer if you ran away to your mum or dad.”
Child1: “no, because I am very strong you know, I can lift my mum!.”
Child 2: “can you lift a house?”
Child 1: “of course I can’t because it’s glued to the ground.”

Presenter: “if you told dad he would tell the bully to go away and leave you alone.”
Child: “no he wouldn’t, he’d tell them to f*** off to their own block or he’d kick their a***.”

There’s 2 kinds of mummy – one at home and one with bandages on it.

If someone you know gets a haircut then they are a stranger.

I’m not going to do it; I’ve run out of batteries.

You can’t keep your body clean if there is a water-cut.

You only kiss when you get married.

I don't like fizzy things like grapefruit.

To keep safe near water you need a wife guard.

If you don't get a kiss from mum at bedtime you get bad dreams.

I can see at night because I eat carrots.

If you are playing in the wind you have to be careful not to bang your head on the trees.

The trees are bare naked (in winter).

I'm scared of ghosts but they only live in America so it's okay.